Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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