Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Found your dick twin last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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