she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
