i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
