I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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