farters have to be the big spoon...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
