he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
