Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
