I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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