why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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