worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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