Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
