Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
