There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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