My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also, beer. Big fan.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
