did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
did i walk over a car last night?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
