im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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