In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
