The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
