my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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