That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
