When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
