I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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