well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
