My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
