I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Randomize
