I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
