This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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