That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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