I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
