Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
