I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
