If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
