Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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