I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
