somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
