So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
