My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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