she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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