I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
