From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
