Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
