when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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