Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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