all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
