jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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