i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I did not marry a roomba.
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