she woke up with a sticky ear
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
