At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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