do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
